time on my hands

I don't even know where to start.. In the last blog i wrote i said i was going to start blogging every month and that was almost exactly a year ago. haha. So since i will be laid up for the next couple of months i'm going to attempt to make up for it. Please bear with me as i have never blogged from my phone and technology seems to have me beat. My blogs may seem out of order as i do them but i am just going to write about things as they come to me. Plus i'm in a great deal of pain and a touch doped up from the pain pills. 

It's been a while.

So much for writing a blog every month.  Hahaha.  So, I'm going to try to update everything that has been going on during the last 6 months..

3 or 4 months ago Brandon and I moved to sugarhouse.  We love it here even though everything in our appartment seems to be falling apart.  I feel safe here when I am home alone, and that is a big plus.  

I started attending skin science institute in May, and I am expecting to graduate in August 2012.  I found a new job that I really love.  It's called The Kura Door. It's a holistic Japanese day spa.  It is really beautiful, and the job itself is low stress.  I'm so busy between work and school that I don't have a single day off.  That's why day's like today make me so happy.  No work or school on hollidays=)    

Brandon is working at the sugarhouse Tsunami and working on making a video for a non-profit organization.  He is so creative and good at video editing. He is such a dedicated and hard working man.  I am so thankful for all he does. Last night we walked over to Sugarhouse park and had ourselves a little BBQ.  We made shiscabobs, you know, the skewers with lots of meat and yummy stuff.. I can't spell sometimes.. We also roasted corn on the cob and made smores.  It was such a nice and relaxing night off.  It was so fun to spend time with my honey and just relax.  Then we came home and lit off a few fireworks.  I love it when he and I have a day off together.  It is a rare thing, and I treasure the time we get together.

We made a little garden in our house with tomatoes, basil, peppers and mini pumpkins.. We are really excited to watch them grow.

 Luci curled up in her favorite spot

This week we had to take our little girl ferret to the emergency vet in the middle of the night.  We thought she was choking so we rushed her in.  The doctor did xrays and said there wasn't anything stuck in her throat, but there was a massive growth taking up 60% of her abdomin.

We took her to a specialist on friday who said it looked like her spleen, and it would be an easy fix.  So, she went in for surgery.  After the surgery the doctor called and told us they couldn't remove the growth because it wasn't the spleen like they originally thought, but lymphoma. Cancer.. I cried on the phone with the doctor when she mentioned the word euthanasia.  She also mentioned that we can treat her with chemo.  If we were to do the chemo, it would buy Luci 6 months to a year.  We can't afford it. On Saturday morning we went in and picked her up.  She was pretty out of it and has a hard time picking up her back legs. Watching her try to get around makes me sad.  We are gonna do all we can to make her comfortable and happy, and hopefully find some alternative treatment that will prolong her life.

  Cute little Ricky Playing in a blanket by himselfwhile his sister was in for surgery.
                                               
 Ricky loves his sister.  He wasn't happy spending the night without her.  He tore his cage apart while she was gone.  When we brought her home and let her roam around for a few minutes, he followed her, and everytime she got tired and layed down he would lay down with his little nose right next to hers.. Normally he would be pouncing on her and teasing her..

She is such a sweet little thing.  The day before we took her in for surgery I layed down on the couch and she curled up on my chest.  Every few minutes she would lift her head up and lick my chin.  When we were sitting at the vet's office, waiting for the doctor to come and take her in for surgery she was snuggled up in my arms, and as i was handing her over to the doctor, she lifted her head up and licked my cheek.  I am so happy I have her.  She brings me joy.  The next few months are going to be a little hard as we play the "wait and see" game with her.  We had been saving money to get married in Hawaii.  We spent it all on her surgery.  I'm just happy we had the money saved so we could get Luci taken care of.
I went to a family dinner and two of my nieces made me cute little cards.  My favorite one reads: Dear Bickie, I'm so svory your wiesl is goind to di, love cassie.  It made me laugh and almost cry at the same time.

I have so many mixed feelings right now.  I'm pretty discouraged that we no longer have anything in savings, and that we won't be able to do what we wanted to do for our wedding.  But I could not have gone to Hawaii and felt good about it had we done nothing for our little Luci.  I feel a little lost.  I don't even know where to begin planning this wedding on NO budget.  I'm thankful for my family offering to do a potluck/openhouse for us.  If anyone has ideas how to do a super cheap non-ghetto wedding, I'm open for suggestions and ideas.

I am planning to run my first race in September.  The dirty dash.  It's a mud run with obsticle courses, and I just learned that I will be doing it by myself.  I'm kind of bummed.  I want people to do it with me.  

I'm trying to work on being less stressed and manage my time more wisely.. I'm trying to find a routine that fits, and It's hard!  I've been feeling overwhelmed.  I know I am stretching myself too thin.  I am happy, and I know I'm lucky. But, I miss my family, and I miss having a life.  I only have to do this for a year.. Thats what keeps me going, knowing there is an end in sight.

One of Many blogs to come(most likely)

As the holliday season wraps up, I feel like I have been so incredibly blessed in life. I struggled a lot in 2010, but I feel like I came out of it as a stronger person.

One of the best experiences of 2010 was living with my sister Christine and her family.  It was so kind of her and her husband to clear out a room in their house and welcome me into their home.  I absolutely loved living with the 4 kids.. I thought living with kids would make me crazy, and no doubt there were times when I would feel a little nuts, but I got close to all of the kids and I only love them more now that I've spent so much time with them.  In fact, I even offer to babysit because I miss the kids so much sometimes. 

Rachel is my pal. She is so smart, whitty and cute!

Here is Caleb.  He is such a silly kid. He is so much fun. He constantly entertained me with his unique ideas, like the time he decided we should make home made wheat thins.

Anna is the sweetest little honey.  I adore her. She has the softest most innocent voice ever.  Even when she is being a trouble maker that cute little voice could help her get away with anything.

I miss Mr. Alex.  We use to sit out on the porch swing and watch the stars come out.  He always says the cutest things.  He would point at the sky and say, "Stars hiding Becca?" I told him they come out when it gets all the way dark.  He would say, "It's half dark Becca?"

Another thing that I have struggled with for years is my health and my weight.  After a bout with some medications (for sleep) that really messed my body up I put on 90lbs in just a short period of time.  For a long time I didn't want to see anyone I know because I felt embarrassed and ashamed about the way I looked.  Growing up I put a lot of self worth on appearances.  I crossed paths with anorexia, but thats a whole other story.. Anyway, Brandon came back into my life this year (Which is by far the best thing in 2010), and he loved me despite the way I look.  He has been a huge inspiration in my life, and has helped me get motivated to get healthy again.  I dropped 38lbs in 2010 and My goal is to drop 52lbs more before my wedding. I'm really excited to get back in shape. There are so many things that I want to do that I haven't been able to do the last few years.  Like, hiking, going to the beach, running a half marathon, letting people take my picture.. Yeah, I'm looking forward to it all.  2010 has completly changed my perspective on life.  I feel like I have become much more of a positive person than I was before.  I feel happy.

 OH.. We are thinking the wedding date will be the first weekend in August.  It's not set in stone yet.. But we are starting to look into locations. If you have any ideas where we can have a reception super cheap, i'm open to suggestions.  Also, I'm still looking for a part time job to do nights and weekends to help save up for the wedding, so If you hear of anything please let me know=)


I started the year off going into web design at school, only to find out two semesters in that I hate it and I don't want a desk job for the rest of my life.  So I am taking a huge leap into something new.  On January 10th I will be starting the esthetics program at school.  I am really excited. It is something I will enjoy doing.

In 2011 I am going to try to write a blog at least once a month,
 And I am going to make an effort to do more photography.  So, if you feel like being my subject, I am always willing to shoot=)

This year a my nieces and nephew(Heidi, Erin, Josh and Emily) lost their dad.  It was so hard to see them go through what they did. I am continually amazed at the strenght they have shown through the whole ordeal.
Their dad, Dave, He was a good guy.  He lost his way a long time ago.  I felt so sad for him because I can honestly say, I know what it feels like to go through some of the dark times he was in at the end, and while I didn't struggle with alcohol addiction, I know what rock bottom feels like.  I know he is happy now where he is.  I truely feel like he was rescued from time of suffering.  I am also glad my sister left him when she did.  I love to see the happieness that her life has brought to her, and I am thankful for her other 5 kids that came along since then.


My parents do so much for me. Mom is so selfless.  I have never seen someone who can spot a person in need the way my mom can.  She comes to anyones rescue that needs help. While I am so thankful for all Mom does, I would like to see her kick back and relax.  I would love to see other people waiting on her for a change. She deserves it.   I feel like I am closer to my dad now than I have ever been. One of my resolutions for 2010 was to get closer to Dad.  I'm going to continue with that one again this year.

I have been blessed with 6 sisters in my life, all of whom are my best friends.

I am thankful for you Care.  You always been my buddy.  You have always made me feel like I am someone important.  I love spending time with you and your family. We always have a blast laughing and eating. I remember how much it meant to me when you hung out with me in California, and when you met me in Las Vegas.

Angie(Sorry.. I know you like Angela, but you have always been Ang to me). You are so sweet and kind.  You have always been one to comfort me when I was sad.  I love your sense of humor. Thank you for helping me with all my sewing projects.  One day I will get my own sewing machine. =)

Jenny, I really miss you.  I want to make an effort to call you more.  I remember when you were going to Cosmotology School and you would always bring home the neatest hair and make-up stuff.  While you were off doing your thing I would sneak into your room, sit at your vanity, do my hair and crank up your stereo. Haha.  I don't know if I ever told you that, but I knew at the time I would be dead meat if you  caught me=)

Leslie, You are super duper smart. You are so thoughtful and considerate.  You make an effort to do nice things for people, and I know from experience that your kindness heals people. I always love when we go do fun stuff like go to big lots and go to movies. My life is better because you are in it.

Chris, Thank you for letting me live with you.  I miss hanging out with you and our late night talks and our attempts to walk Buddy as he tripped us all the way around the block..  You are such a good mom.  I really look up to you in a lot of ways. 

Bridget, You are one of the funniest people alive.  I love hanging out with you and goofing off.  I remember when we were younger and we would stay up late laughing until we cried. I miss having you close so we can hang out more.

And Benj, Even though you aren't my sister, I won't leave you out.  I'm glad you are doing well with your recovery.  You are a talented person. I would love to see you put your talents to work.  I'm glad you didn't listen to dad when he said you couldn't get a dog. Duke is so sweet.

Maren, You may not be my sister, but you may as well be.  You have been my best and truest friend. You are the only friend I have gone a year and a half with out talking to, then we get together and pick right back up where we left off without skipping a beat.(Except for Brandon of course.. We went for a long time without talking too.. and now we are getting married!! woot)

The story of Brandon and Becca....

I don't know if you are all aware how I met Brandon, so I'm going to start with that. 

This is Brandon..

This is me in High School...

When I was 15 years and a sophmore in high school, my friend and I noticed the cutest guy walking around school.  He always wore a leather jacket and had semi long hair that was dyed purple.. I knew my parents wouldn't like the sight of a guy with purple hair coming around, but I couldn't help noticing him  He and I locked eyes everytime we passed in the halls.  A few weeks into school (October 3rd to be exact)I went to the football game with some friends.  A mutual friend, Micah, introduced me to Brandon and we instantly hit it off. After running around with friends for part of the night, he came and sat down on our blanket.  I layed down on his lap and the next thing I knew It was time to go. I had fallen asleep on his lap.  For those of you who know me, you know it takes a lot for me to fall asleep. I'm a light sleeper, and it takes a lot for me to get to sleep. I trusted him from the instant I met him.  We fell in love. There was a deep connection with him that I had never felt before(or since) I was young and that scared me. I wasn't even old enough to date. .( I was right, My parents took one look at the purple hair and made it very clear that it was forbidden to date someone with purple hair)(We dated anyway.. We snuck around.  My sister Jenny even snuck us out once) We had fun. We talked about the future, about marriage.  This scared me most of all. We had lots of drama.  We broke up, got back together, broke up and got back together.  He ended up moving back to Farmington which seems like a state away when you are 15.  We eventually dated other people, we grew up, but never forgot about eachother.  I lost contact with him for about 2 years around 2003.  I looked for him.  I looked in all the places I knew he had been. No luck.  I even did one of those dumb people searches online. It gave me 4 or 5 addresses for him.  I typed up a letter and made copies.  I sent them to every listed address for him.  No response. He never got any of them. He had moved on.  It was worth a try.  About a year later, he found me.  I can't remember how, but he did.  At that point I was in another relationship.  I took him for granted.  I wasn't happy where I was, but I had been so hurt in the past that I got scared and pushed him away.  We kept in contact after that, and each and every time we crossed paths it seems like I was in some destructive or abusive relationship.  I got to the point that I didn't feel like I was good enough for Brandon.  I was broken and he deserved better.  So I did what I knew how to do. I pushed him away.  I always followed what he was up to though.  We spent time together here and there. I explained my situation to him, how I was broken and he deserved better.  He would always say,"I can help you." He NEVER gave up on me.  When I was working at the Spa Club (during the time I was trying to find him, I was telling a girl, Amy, that I worked with about him.  She said" Your story sounds just like the notebook!") When Brandon found me we watched part of it together, and seeing the similarities in the movie and my life I got totally freaked out and turned it off. Years later still, We talked here and there but I was always afraid.  Afraid of what, I don't know.  After all of this, he still never gave up on me. This summer we started talking more regularly.  We got together a few times, had a camping trip together and spent time together.  He eventually moved from Kamas to Salt Lake.  We started spending every waking moment together. I feel like the luckiest girl in the world for that. I count my blessings everyday that he is in my life today.  He makes me happier than I have ever been and he has helped me to not feel "broken" anymore.  I can't wait to spend the rest of my life and the rest of forever with him.  I know without a doubt that he is my soulmate.  We were made for eachother.  I will never let him go again.  I feel like i'm part of a real life fairy tail.

This is Brandon Now..

Now that you are up to date, here's the news...


Brandon and I had to celebrate my birthday the day after Thanksgiving since he had to work on my birthday.  I knew he was planning something special because he had been acting fishy for the last couple of weeks.  I met him in Salt Lake around 6. We went to Spencer's Stake House, and they took us to the back of the resteraunt to a little candle lit booth. The steak was so delicious. After we finished, he pulled out a tiny little box wrapped with a bow on it.  As soon as I saw it my heart started pounding.  I had a feeling there would be a ring in that little box.  I opened it as fast as I could get all the wrapping off.  It was a beautiful neclace. I'm pretty sure he could see the shock on my face, he probably laughs about it now. He tricked me good.  I was onto him before, but once I saw the neclace I decided that it was just going to be a special birthday.  About this time, the waiter came out with a birthday cake with a candle in it.  I wasn't expecting this either. The guy must have seen the look of suprise on my face because he said, "Blow out your candle! Yeah, we don't sing here." haha.  It was a gluten free cake that Brandon had gone and picked up earlier in the day and delivered to the resteraunt.  Wow.. He is good at suprises. I'm not, I would have gotten excited and told him everything if it was me in his shoes.

After dinner we went to Temple Square to look at all of the lights. It was so much fun walking around with Brandon looking at the scenery and all the cute little families having fun.  After walking around for about an hour, Brandon said, "I have to go to the bathroom.. let's go in here."(The Joseph Smith Memorial Building) We went in and he said,"I know where one is, follow me." We then got onto the elevator and he took me up to the 8th floor.  This was weird to me.. Isn't there a bathroom on one of the lower floors?? When we got off the elevator, he took me into a huge, dark banquet room.  There was a lighted christmas tree in the corner and huge windows that overlook Temple Square.  We went over to the window and were looking out over the city.  He started shaking a little.  I asked if he was okay and he said he was, but he was fumbling with something in his pocket.  At this point I started getting nervous/excited.. Then he did it.  He gave me the ring.  I was too shocked to say anything for a minute. Then I said "Yes!" I get to marry my first love, my "highschool sweetheart" We are so happy together.

We haven't set a date yet, but we are thinking August or October.  We would like to Do it on October 3rd or 4th so it would be the anniversary of the day we met 15 years ago, but I don't know if it will work with school..

Sick and Tired

I'm new at this blogging thing, and I'm not a great writer, so keep that in mind as you read this.

I have been awake for hours at a time in the night this last week. My family and I haven't heard from my brother for a whole week. I'm worried sick. Everyone tells me not to worry, but I still worry that he is in a bad place. When I hear sirens in the distance at 4:00 in the morning, I feel this knot in my stomach that wont go away. I constantly wonder 'Is he okay? Is he warm? Is he out on the street in this cold weather?' Every time I hear a news report of a car accident or a robbery I wonder if he was somehow involved. I have had a rough couple of years and my brother is a big part of the cause. I remember the first time I realized he had a problem. It was a little over 5 years ago, right after my divorce and there was a party at my ex-husbands house. I brought my brother along, and within an hour he had locked himself in a basement room with a girl he just met and a bottle of wine. For years I have blamed myself for his plumet into addiction. If I hadn't exposed him to that environment, this wouldn't have happened. In reality, I know it's not the case, but still, I feel like if maybe I was a better sister I could have helped him before he was too far gone. Little did I know, about the time I noticed there was a problem, he was already too far gone. Items around the house were starting to dissapear, and before long he had put himself in the ER a few times from mixing drugs. He agreed to go to rehab to our relief, but walked out a few weeks later. I noticed a trend, The only time he felt bad for his actions was when he was high. When he was sober all he cared about was getting high again. He was in and out of rehab for years, then finally he started to clean up his life. Eventually my parents let him move home. My Dad hired him to work at his business and was putting him through school to be an electrician. He was so excited at first. He told me all he wanted was to have a career so one day he could have a house and a family of his own. It almost felt like I had gotten my brother back from life that had taken him hostage. That was short lived. He started taking off to go visit his friends the second he walked in the door from work, and his behavior patterns became extreemly weird. All of my sisters pointed out his suspicious behavior and suggested that my parents drug test him. The drug tests came back negative. One day out of the blue he quit school and quit his job. He said he got a corrier job. As soon as he started his "job" he would leave early in the morning and get home late at night. He claimed he never got paid for his work. After a few weeks at that job, he admitted that it wasn't really a job. He was delivering drugs, and getting paid in drugs(heroin to be exact). He had only passed the drug tests because he peed in a jar a while back and was saving it for the day the family got suspicious and decided to drug test. My parents told him they were willing to let him stay if he really wanted to change. He agreed but the next day he took their truck and went of to go get high. My parents told him that if he wanted to stay living with them, he could never hang out with that group of friends again. He was so up-set by hearing that, he moved out five minutes later. I told him if he leaves he is going to die. Every night I pray that wherever he is, that he will be okay. That whatever happens he doesn't have to suffer. I pray that he will go to prison instead of the grave. I pray that he will come home or call just so we will know he is still okay.



I do my best not to think about it. I'm sick and tired of sleepless nights and days filled with anxiety. I know I worry WAY more than is healthy for me but I love my brother. Part of me gave up hope years ago, but every once in a while when I see him, I will see a little part of my brother hiding in there with whatever posesses his body now, and I don't want to quit trying, or quit hoping for something good to come. If I don't have hope, what else is there to have of him? I don't want to lose my brother forever. I never got to say goodbye, to the brother he was to me before his addiction killed his sense of self.